Men, we have a serious problem…

I’m pissed off. I saw something the other day that has pushed me to the edge. It is something I thought I could escape being deployed. But no, it has followed me out here half way across the world. I don’t know how this is even cool or why, as a guy, you would do this. I just don’t understand when things got this bad. If we don’t do something about this, we as men, may never recover. Clearly, I can only be talking about one thing.

Skinny Jeans (cue the dramatic DUN DUN DUNAAAA!!)

Seriously, this is bad. I was walking to the bathroom and saw a man rocking jeans tight enough to keep all oxygen from entering his lower body. Did this start as some sort of lost bet?

“Hey bro if you lose, you have to put on women’s jeans. Annnnnd, you have to find the smallest pair you can fit into.” Few days later, the losing party buys the jeans and gets ready to be embarrassed. He takes about 15 min to jump around and somehow squeeze into them. Finally, he poses for the boys. Silence engulfs the room. Then the first idiot opens his mouth.

“Dude, you look really good in those.” The bros all nod and subtly say “Ya.” The man in the jeans is starting to buy into this notion that some how he could look good in denim leggings.

“You guys think I should wear these out?” It could have been stopped right here! But nobody objects, and now, he is free to rock the male camel toe for all to see. DAMN IT! What’s worse is his girlfriend could have been the second person to stop all of this. She could have just said, “Take my jeans off, you like a clown.” But noooooooo, she went ahead and choose the opposite route. “Oh baby, that’s a great new look for you. I love the fact you are willing to hide your manliness in public in a desperate attempt to look nice for me. I’m not going to sleep with you because by the time we get those off, I’ll just be tired. But I still love you and the new look!” How can those be even be comfortable? Why would I want the jeans to hug every square inch of my legs? It just drives me crazy. When putting pants on, this should not be you expression after you struggle to get them on:

You get that expression because you lost weight and fit into smaller clothes that quit fitting you after they opened a Chiptole, Dairy Queen, and Chick-fil-A across your street. Not because you have to kick, scream, twist, shout, and pray that a pair of jeans (THAT YOU BOUGHT WITH A CLEAR AND PRESUMABLY SOBER MIND, TRIED ON ALREADY, KNEW THEY FIT YOU LIKE YOUR OWN SKIN IS CHOKING YOU, AND STILL THROW 100 BUCKS AT IT) fit. Yes, I am very upset. Then comes the practicality of the jeans. You might as well not have any pockets because nothing can fit in there. And is it even possible to bend to over and tie your shoes? Not a chance in hell. You know why this works for women? They carry purses and wear shoes that don’t have to be tied. I carry a wallet and a cell phone. If I can’t fit them in jean pockets, I have to carry them by hand. Are we seeing where this is going? It would be one thing if just a few rando bros did this. But it has swept the nation, and it really creates a bigger problem than just a fashion trend.

Here is another question for the world. Have you ever seen a healthy looking man in skinny jeans? Seriously? Every time I have ever seen a dude rockin’ these stupid things, I’m just can’t help but think “Eat a hamburger or something. Go do some lunges, squats; hell just go run for a start.” Do you have to sign up for an experimental surgery where you donate all of your testosterone to science so you can buy a pair of these bad boys? Here is where things get ugly…er. How many more women fashion trends are going to cross over for men? I’m serious. Man-purses already exist, what’s next? The mress (man-dress) or the makirt (man-skirt)? Skinny jeans = great look for a woman (obviously there are some exceptions, for the love of god woman, do not wear your skinny jeans to CiCi’s and let that muffin top ooze out for all those poor little kids to see). There are plenty of looks for women that need to stay on a woman. But this is an issue that goes beyond the runway. Men are getting softer. Men are losing manhood. And this has ZERO to do with the strides women are taking (and making) in the world in becoming more successful.

To the women of the world, keep doing ya thing. I work with lots of great women and have no issues with them. They are great co-workers. There are plenty of them who are better in this career field than the men. Now back to the issue at hand. Men we have to draw the line. We have to look firmly in the mirror and say “What is seen on the runway, stays on the runway.” Hell even that wasn’t mainly even. Try “I’m gonna dress and act like a man damn it! I don’t care if Erin Andrews wants me to put these itty bitty jeans on and said she wouldn’t be seen next to me if I chose not to wear them.” I know what all you guys are thinking. “Oh you totally would for her (Honest answer, I’d think about it).” But, more importantly, men have plenty of looks that work better for them and it doesn’t compromise who we are. And, if it was Erin Andrews, I would hope she would respect me more for not popping a testicle putting trying to put on those jeans. If you can’t find a woman to appreciate you for being a man, then be a MAN, and move on.

Ok, I think I am off my soap box with that, at least for now. But be warned, if you are wearing these jeans and I catch you, you will hear about it from me. Don’t care if you across the street, or if I’m face-to-face with you; I will remind you that you are no longer a man. I hope all of you reading this can agree with me that something must be done to save all of mankind. Because there can only be one theory behind of all this that makes any sense, Crab People.