Category Archives: Food

I’m Back! And I’m Pretty Hungry!

Hello Blog-o-sphere!!! I know that all 3 of my fans have missed the blog posts, but no fear! I realized that it has been a few months since I have actually written something and I am very upset about it. I’ve been doing a little work on my novel since my last blog post, but it’s been over a month and a half since I have written jack squat. So it’s time to get back on my blog game!

The problem is I couldn’t decide on what to write about. The baseball playoff races are heating up. Both college football and NFL seasons are underway now. Today is 9-11. Fantasy football is another solid choice. But they all seemed just too obvious of topics that I would write about. I’ll save my thoughts on football, college and pro, for the rest of the season. And a quick side note, today is the anniversary of one of the most horrific events in American history. This is something everyone reading this already knows. As a result, this day has come to be known as Patriots day. And while it is EXTREMELY important to remember 9-11, let us not also forgot about other tragedies in American history. For example, Pearl Harbor is another defining moment in this country’s history. In order to move forward successfully, as a country and individuals, we have to always remember the past because those events have dictated the direction in which the future will go. So while today is mainly about 9-11, don’t forget other events that have shaped this country and all the sacrifices of previous military members that allow our country to stay free.

I’ll keep my Red, White, and Blue post for another time because I want to give it clear thought while writing it. With today being such an emotional day, it would turn more into a rant than a thoughtful post. With that, I finally settled on a much lighter topic. A topic that is very close to me, and is something I miss practically daily because I live on the east coast.

WHATABURGER

Oh the WHAT!! As far as I am concerned, this is the best fast food chain in America. Between the choice, the voice of Whataburger, the quality, and the hours; you can’t beat Whataburger. Let’s start with your food options.

So first off, the burgers are the best chain burgers around. I’ve had In and Out; I’ve had chain burger out there and simply put, Whataburger is better (no knock on In and Out or any other burger chain joint). But outside of the standard burgers and sandwiches, Whataburger has a hall-of-fame list.

These were seasonal items, which were so popular, Whataburger decided to carry them year round. One of them actually was discontinued at one point, but made a glorious comeback. Let’s look at each one with the description provided straight from their website.

A1 Thick and Hearty: “Two 100% pure American beef patties, crispy bacon and melted American cheese. And of course, that tangy, makes-your-mouth-water A.1.® Thick & Hearty sauce.”

This is the burger that Whataburger initially retired after one more year kicking ass in the fast food world, but just like Brett Favre, came back and just wouldn’t go away. One huge difference; this burger is way more interesting than Favre. Just all-around goodness on a bun.

Chop House Cheddar Burger: “Two 100% pure American beef patties, crispy bacon, grilled onions and shredded cheddar cheese. All topped by our very own Creamy Steak Sauce.”

I LOVE this burger! The grilled onions combined with the steak sauce produces a great flavor. Can’t go wrong with this bad boy.

The Patty Melt: “Two 100% pure American beef patties, grilled onions, two slices of Monterey Jack cheese and our famous Creamy Pepper Sauce.”

The different cheeses along with the pepper sauce make this burger stand out. Of course, the Texas toast is standard on this burger, and while you may want to add bacon (as you would with anything), it actually satisfies all of your burger taste buds without bacon. If it aint broke, don’t fix it.

Green Chile Double: “Two 100% pure American beef patties, two kinds of cheese – Monterey jack and American – all topped with our roasted, seasoned green chiles.”

First off, if you haven’t had a burger with Green chiles, you are missing out. The smoky flavor of the chiles combined with a salty burger is fantastic! So naturally, you take the best fast food burger and add this New Mexican-style twist makes for a helluva burger.

Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich (also known as the HBCSS): “Three 100% chicken breast strips, our Honey BBQ Sauce, two slices of Monterey Jack cheese—all on your choice of Texas toast or a toasted five-inch bun.”

O-M-G!! This is one of my all-time favorite sandwiches, period. First off, the chicken strips alone are fried up perfectly and gives great crispness and juiciness to the sandwich. They are then blanketed in two slices of cheese and then they jump into a hot-tube full of Honey BBQ sauce that is all help together by two slices of buttery Texas Toast. Go ahead, take a moment. If you need to run out to get one and won’t read the rest of this, I completely understand.

So if that wasn’t good enough, the breakfast dominates the fast food scene as well. The staples look like this:

The taquitos are solid; one knock is maybe the quality of the tortillas. But you can’t go wrong with them. Breakfast on a Bun (or BOB) is a burger-sized sandwich that is egg, cheese, and either bacon or sausage. Got to love a big breakfast sandwich. Then there is the staple of the breakfast menu (which can be seen on the right in the above picture): The Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. Whataburger’s website describes them as, “One juicy, breaded chicken strip on a buttermilk biscuit. It’s covered with our special Honey Butter sauce, which some folks call “liquid gold.”” “Liquid gold” just doesn’t do it justice. The sweet buttery sauce combined with a buttery, soft biscuit make for more than a meal. It is an experience. Once it hits your lips, it’s like the first time I saw Ken Griffey Jr. swing a bat and hit a home run. It’s just one of those revelations that changes your life forever. I could eat one everyone morning until the day I die.

How can you not love this place? Oh did I mention it is open 24 hours a day? Yeah, I don’t think I really need to go into that any more. The last, but certainly not least, thing that makes Whataburger great is The Voice. If you have seen a commercial, you know who I am talking about. If you haven’t, watch the few options I have provided below. For the record, the burger they show in the first video is exactly what my dream burger looks like (extra slice of cheese not necessary, but wouldn’t hate it).

Honestly, if I could select either the Whataburger voice or Morgan Freeman to narrate my life, it would be Mr. Whataburger. Truth is, I don’t know what his name is. Could I find out? Yeah, no doubt. Quick Goggle search would probably take care of it, but the anonymity of who he is adds to the legend. And if he was in a movie, or on TV, I would instantly be able to point him out with one word leaving his mouth. I mean, when he talks about “getting out Whataburgered” it just makes me want to go back every time.

It’s been great to write again. I’m sure there will be plenty of people who will disagree with my statement of Whataburger being the best fast food chain in America, which is fine. I just await someone to actually try to make an argument more passionate and informative than this. And if someone does, I will be impressed. The only thing I can hear from the hatters are “You are from Texas. You are such a homer. Blah, Blah, Blah.” Yes, I am a Texan. Yes, I am a homer. But I GUAR-UN-TEE you if you grew up with this gem of a place, you would agree with me. So go getcha a Whataburger, “Just Like You Like It.”

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HOOOOOOOOOTTTTT DOOOOOGGGSSSS!!!

There are very few things in this life that are more American than the hot dog. I don’t know exactly what a hot dog is made up of, nor do I care. At this point in my life, I have eaten enough of them that even if I knew what random concoction of patriotism that makes a hot dog (no matter how gross), it wouldn’t stop me from going through mounds of hot dogs for the rest of my life. Truly and honestly, if you don’t like hot dogs, you most be a terrorist (which unfortunately includes my loving mother, such a shame). The versatility of the hot dog lends itself to practically anything under the sun. It’s damn near impossible to find something you can put on a hot dog that would not work. Maybe that’s what adds to the mystery of the hot dog. Not too many foods out there that can adapt to its supporting elements so well to satisfy pallets from Chicago, New York, California, Texas, Georgia, Washington, and anywhere in between. These, and other regions, of the United States have their own take on a hot dog which they claim as their own. We are now going to take a look at these different delicious masterpieces.

Sonorans (Tuscon and Phoenix, Arizona)

Bacon-wrapped hot dogs are grilled, then nestled in steamed bolillo rolls and topped with (but not limited to) pinto beans, chopped tomatoes, onions, mustard, mayo, jalapeños, shredded cheddar, queso fresco, cotija cheese, salsa verde, and guacamole. What ever does it for you, that’s the beauty of the hot dog. Oh I almost forgot, hot dogs wrapped in bacon are unreal. We need a quick visual:

Now that we have established just how beautiful that sight is, back to the Sonorans. Take your favorite Mexican flavors, and dump them on a hot dog. How could you go wrong? The answer: you can’t. I have yet to have one of these, but am looking forward to my first experience.

Chicago Dog (Chicago)

All beef dogs in a steamed poppy-seed bun and makes its rounds through the garden: minced raw onion, neon sweet relish, sport peppers, pickle spear, halved tomato slices, yellow mustard, celery salt. Most importantly on the Chicago dog, NO KETCHUP. This dog screams Wrigley field to me. I need to find away to get to the north side of Chicago, get a seat in the bleachers with one of these treasures and a cold beer.

Coneys (Midwest)

Small-sized, all-beef dogs served in steamed buns and topped with minced meat chili, mustard, and chopped onions (order the “loaded” and you’ll get shredded cheddar, too). Here is a dog where less is more. Chili, onions, mustard, cheese firmly settled on top of a hot dog. A sloppy taste of euphoria is fully loaded with the Coneys.

Dodger Dog (Los Angeles)

One of the most eaten stadium dogs out there, Dodger dogs are skinless foot-long hot dogs made of pork and set in a steamed bun. I have been lucky enough to have this hot dog, and they live up to the hype. I would recommend sitting out in the outfield where the tickets include all-you-can-eat hot dogs, water, nachos, popcorn, nuts, and sodas (No, beer must still be bought). That summer day back in 2007 easily ranks as one of the top 5 fattest moments of my life. And yes, it was totally worth it.

The Homewrecker (Charleston)

The Homewrecker Hot Dog is as scary as it sounds: It is a half-pound all-beef dog that is served in a “build your own dog” concession stand. The Riverdogs offer a total of 25 signature toppings that may be added to complete the experience and is priced at only $5.50. When this episode of Man vs. Food originally aired, I was in college and had no idea I would end up stationed in Charleston. I just knew that I needed this dog. Clearly, this is something of an event in itself. The Riverdogs are known for their unique take on the hot dog, but this one is the Pièce de résistance. Just look at that thing one more time. Unreal. The Riverdogs have a beautiful ball park and I can’t wait to go to my first game and chow down on my own Homewrecker.

This is goes to show just how awesome the hot dog can be. But let’s not forget about how much of an American symbol the hot dog is. As if it weren’t American enough, there is a tradition that is carried out on our nation’s birthday every year that puts the hot dog front and center; Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

According to legend, on July 4, 1916, four immigrants had a hot dog eating contest at Nathan’s Famous stand on Coney Island to settle an argument about who was the most patriotic. I love this country. I’m a bigger patriot because I can eat more than you. LOVE IT!! The contest has been held each year since then, except in 1941, when it was canceled as a protest to the war in Europe, and in 1971, when it was canceled as a protest to civil unrest and the reign of free love. And you can’t just be any joe schmo either to get into the contest. You must meet on of the 4 qualifications to get into the spectacle:

The defending champion
Winners of a regional qualifying contest for that season
Qualifying as one of two wildcards (highest two average qualifier scores without winning a single qualifier)
Special invitation by IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating, yes this is real, check the website.)

The event is televised live on ESPN every year and last year an estimated 40,000 people attended the contest. Yes, you read that right. 40,000 people watched for 10 minutes how many hot dogs a human could possibly wolf down. What’s even more interesting is the 40,000 people who attended actually was more people than the Jacksonville Jaguar’s 2011 home attendance (should have gone after Tebow harder). The winner, Joey Chestnut, ate 62 hot dogs and buns in 10 min. How that is possible is beyond me. I watched and it’s like they are machines. The contestants never slow down until the horn goes off. The important thing in all of this is that the Mustard Belt has been in the hands of an American for the past 5 years.

So there it is, America in your hands. You get a shot of Red, White, and Blue every time you bite into a hot dog. There is not a reason you can give me that justifies why you don’t like hot dogs. Opening day is only 2 days away. Even half-way across the world, I can hear the local hot dog vendor back in Arlington getting his voice ready for at least 80 homes games of slinging hot dogs and watching people swap cash with complete strangers in order to get an edible piece of the great game of baseball. Check back in on opening day as I will have posted my take on opening day and the stark differences it has for a fan and a player.

Krispy Kreme

Go ahead I’ll wait…I know seeing this sign triggers something in the American mind that is uncontrollable. I will not be insulted at all if you need to go grab a dozen real quick. Lets face it. If some how you read this whole post, with more pictures following shortly, and don’t go run out and get some…A, you don’t have one within 20 miles (which has to be about 99% of the people who read this). B, you’re just lazy. C, your will power is simply jedi-like. Or D, some combination of the previous choices. With that said, I will now shed such glorious, sugary light on one of the greatest food items of all time.

The hot sign. Gets me hot just seeing it (see what I did there??). You can almost feel the heat from the sign through your car as you happen to get within sight of that heavenly beacon. Because you know exactly what is happening at that very moment.

You can stand up by the glass, whether you’re 5 or 90, press your hands and face squarely on the clear barrier stopping you from robbing the place clean of all those doughnuts, and admire the beauty. Those salivating treats are hitting the fryer for a scorching bath in oil. Then the best part, which no matter how many times you have seen it, appears to happen in slow motion. The doughnuts are carried down the line and get hit with a curtain of what has to be pure sugar. You can hear the collective “ohhhhhhhhhhh” and “mmmmmmmmmm” quietly echoing with each row of doughnuts getting its required bath. Once smothered, you can watch the worker pluck them directly off the assembly line and put them in your own personal box. During this same time frame, you can even get a free “sample” while you decide. Like you needed help deciding. It is important to note that, while I couldn’t find actual information in the way of any changing “hot sign” policy, the Krispy Kreme closest to me no longer gives out free doughnuts. Next, they are gonna tell me the Rangers came within one strike (TWICE) from winning the world series. Oh wait…

As you can imagine, it was a devastating day. But we can’t dwell on that. Lets face it, if you are in the store, you aren’t leaving without at least a dozen of doughnuts. Which translates into a shit-eating grin as you decide what you want. Let’s say for example you want to try something different. You go out on a limb and try something like this:

You add chocolate to the doughnuts. You can’t go wrong with this decision. It’s not like there is enough sugar on them already; let’s make it better by adding chocolate. You would think this is the equivalent of adding bacon to a meal (wait, have they put bacon on a Krispy Kreme?? Oh they’ve done something better? We’re gonna talk about it? Good). However, this actually does not make the doughnut better. Still delicious; that is not up for debate. But Krispy Kreme, like few things in this world, created something that shouldn’t be messed with.

The original

This is a piece of work that needs to be admired. Look at that picture. You can see the distinct layer of glaze/crack on those marvelous treats. Something that is massed produced still tastes like it is made with so much love. It’s like the doughnut God himself (who is the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s father, fact) came down and asked you “Would you like a doughnut reserved only for me?” You couldn’t even say yes, he just sees the drool coming out the side of your mouth as confirmation. The box even has special directions on how to microwave the doughnuts to achieve perfection after the initial hotness has left (which is 8 seconds, in case you forgot). But now the time has arrived. The fried piece of dough is now in your hands. You better eat it quick, because if it’s fresh, the glaze is melting and the doughnut is slipping in your hand. You take a bite…somewhere in the distance, you can hear Paul Dean yelling “Hey y’all! Hope y’all are liking that butter!” The pastry is, no shit, melting in your mouth. Butter, sugar, dough, and ecstasy are all you can taste. The process happens every time, no matter how many times you have had Krispy Kreme. Once you finally remember to blink, the dozen is gone. You wanna talk about a sugar crash? Again, since you have just polished off a dozen while reading this, I’ll still be here when you wake up to read the rest.

I’ve seen lots of food experiments go horribly wrong. I’ve had some of mine own. But somewhere, a fat-ass/drunk college student/pot head/genius put this thing together:

How did I not think of this? I’m so disappointed in myself. Whoever you are, the first to combine a bacon cheeseburger with Krispy Kreme, I salute you. There are plenty of variations of this. Essentially, take the meat of a bacon cheeseburger (bacon, meat, cheese) and substitute the bun with god’s-go-to hand-held treat. I believe there is roughly 2 trillion calories in this, but who cares? If you are counting calories or on a diet, you should go ask the judge to give you a restraining order of all Krispy Kreme locations. Like you can’t come within 1 mile of any of them. Any closer, and you would be at risk of violating the terms and going to jail because you…just…can’t…stop…it. I wouldn’t recommend eating this all the time, but this meal is an experience. It is not simply food; it’s a moment in time that requires either F. Scott Fitzgerald, J.D. Salinger, Samuel Langhorne Clemens (yeah, lets see who knows who that guy is), or Robert Frost to capture it properly.

Ok seriously, you haven’t gone out and got some yet? Fine, I’ll wrap this up. Krispy Kreme, whoever handles your marketing/advertising and finance, figure it out. There is not an excuse you can give me that explains why you guys can’t continue to make money. You should never have to be in danger of making your numbers. You have a great product that can practically sell itself. Quit messing this up. If Krispy Kreme EVER goes out of business……………………………………………………………….I’ll just let the dramatic ellipsis do the talking.

NACHOS!!!!

We are back with another installment of Fat Friday and with this post, I’m going to shed light on what is easily in my top 5 things to eat. Something so simple to make, no matter how complicated you want to make them. I’m referring of course to NACHOS.

O-M-G! I love me some nachos! Even if you simply melt cheese on top of chips, there is something so deliciously satisfying about it. Nachos can serve as great, great bar food. It’s perfect to share with everyone and can be loaded with tons of flavor. The variety of nachos, in all the different aspects, come together to create a unique taste that is never the same as the last plate of nachos you ate. With so many aspects coming into play, just one aspect of it can ruin the nachos. With that, we are going to jump off into the basic ingredients seen with most nachos, and the place where my favorite nachos are located.

The base of nachos starts with tortilla chips. These are absolutely crucial if you are going to make a great plate of nachos. The chips need to be crisp without being super thick. Remember that failed attempt Tostitos had with the “perfect” nacho/dip chips. They were Tostitos “Gold”. They were awful. They tasted like salted cardboard they were so thick. So you have to find that right balance between crispness and thickness. Those are the only 2 things that need to be considered for chips when in nachos. So may cry out with, “What is the one thing most people do as soon as you get a bowl of chips at a restaurants? They get salted.” You don’t need to be considered with the saltiness of the chips because of everything else that will go on to the nachos.

Next, cheese. This one is next to impossible to screw up. Grab you favorite shredded cheese and throw it on the chips. Once all the other components are on, you bake until the cheese is melted. Simple. You wanna get creative? Use multiple cheeses. That’s really all there is to that part.

Really after those two ingredients, there are plenty of ingredients that can be seen as staples, but aren’t always included for a variety of reasons. I’m gonna continue with the basics that I wanna see for nachos I’m going to indulge in. So after the chips and cheese, I’m looking for beans. I prefer refried beans because they can be spread out on the chips and can hold any other ingredients that are put on the nachos. The beans don’t have to be anything special, because they are a support ingredient more than anything.

True nachos, not just a quick fix of chips and cheese, needs meat. Fajitas are preferable, but some sort of meat is a necessity. The meat must have lots of flavor. It is often that the meat can define how great the nachos can be. I’m looking for a good salty, garlicky, smokey, peppery flavor with some heat. Such a beautiful combination of flavors that makes you want to throw on a poncho, sombrero, and start looking for a mariachi band to start blaring their horns and singing “Tequila.” Don’t be shy with the meat either. Naked chips are a big no-no in the world of the nacho.

My last basic ingredient has to be the jalapenos. This is the one time that fresh jalapenos actually back fire on the dish. You just wanna by the pickled jalapenos. First off, they are already sliced, so it’s easy to throw them on the nachos. Two, the flavor of pickled jalapenos just works so much better. Something about that vinegar and salt combination just really works. DO NOT COOK THE JALAPENOS ON THE NACHOS. I hate that, you ruin the jalapenos if you bake them. You just put them on the top once the nachos are done (see my concoction at beginning).

Last part of nachos, which is just as important, is assembly. You must put an even layer of chips down, then beans, meat, etc, then the cheese at the end. If you put too many chips, you just wasted a chance to make some great nachos. Then bake them until the cheese is melted, and scarf. My favorite nachos, for my money (it has got to be a little biased but try them out and tell me I’m wrong), reside in Lubbock, Texas. These can be found at Chimy’s, located on Broadway right by Texas Tech University.

The serving of nachos is massive, which I can’t get enough of. What is great about the serving is the chips are giant, so they don’t have to load the plate with tons of chips, (see assembly section for importance) but at the same time allows for a great sized serving. It then comes with refried beans, cheese, and good chunks of either beef or chicken. Here is the best part; they leave the rest to me/customer. They have a salsa bar with anything you could want on the nachos. Lettuce, chunks of tomatoes, pico de gallo, jalapenos, sour cream, salsa, anything you could want to pour all over your nachos. This combination of flavors, strategy, and price just can’t be beat. Add one of the famously delicious margaritas, it’s like god sent down a Mexican to build us a piece of heaven. Now the stories I have that started at Chimy’s are for another post, because anyone who is familiar with such a place, has their own fantastic stories associated with such a glorious cerveceria. Maybe one day, I’ll share a drunken night filled with margaritas, Makers and sprite, and lord knows what else. But for now, when you go to the bar, go order up a humongous plate of greasy, cheesy nachos. Or if you are at home, go get some ingredients to put your own spin on nachos and enjoy away.

Real quickly, since I went 3-1 last week, it is my duty to place picks for the super bowl. I’m going to take the Ravens in an upset over the Pats and the Giants over the Niners (they are just playing too well right now).

First Fat Friday

The first installment of Fat Friday is here! I really was torn on exactly what this first edition would be about. There are so many choices I want to write about, but I finally settled on a something that I am willing to guarantee that all reading have experienced at one point or another:

The ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT-BUFFET

The type of food at the buffet can vary but the experience of a buffet is a mystical and unique food experience. NOBODY goes to a buffet without having the mindset of “I’m going to eat until I can no longer physically move my jaw.” As a matter of fact, the decision of a buffet is not made without a little thought. If you aren’t going to the buffet without trying to eat enough food to break even for what you paid for it, you shouldn’t be allowed into the buffet to begin with. And for that matter, if you are a buffet, stop calling it “all-you-care-to-eat.” That’s the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. If a stupid person comes in to eat, and eats so much they are sick, that’s their problem. Just put a sign on up on the door that says “Don’t be a stupid person.” Don’t disguise a buffet, we all know what it is. Just because a whore goes to church, has a well-respected job, and wears conservative clothing, she still remains a whore.

Once you arrive to your buffet of choice, the feeling that hits you is also different from any other place where we stuff our faces. You know, when you walk in the door, your eyes will be overwhelmed by a line that appears to never end with trays and trays of food. You stand in line, waiting to pay, and all you can focus on is what to put on your plate and how to strategically organize it to put the most food on your plate. All the while the smells from the plethora of food is making your stomach sound like Chewbacca is yelling from your gut and your mouth is now being flooded with saliva. Finally, you reach the register, you hand the nice worker behind the counter your card…AND THE CREDIT CARD MACHINE IS RUNNING SLOW. OH THE AGONY. In all reality, you probably have to wait an additional 90 seconds, maybe 120 seconds. But all the while, you see that bastard kid who just came in with his parents and is starting to ransack the buffet. It’s like that little kid is flashing a large middle finger at you, which is comical because that poor soul doesn’t even know what the middle finger means at this point in his or her young life.

Finally, the charge goes through, you sign the receipt, the starting gun is fired, and your feet generate enough torque to leaves you peeling out by the register. That torque is so overwhelming, even when Fred Flintstone starts his car, he doesn’t peel out that much. Finally, traction is gained once that first warm, still slightly wet plate is locked into the claws that have replaced your hands. You work your way through the line, and before you know it, you have run out of room. The first floor of your food high-rise is complete. Another quick black out, 2nd story complete. You push for that 3rd floor, even though the base isn’t very solid. Just when you are done you get to the last plate of food that has one serving left and you aren’t sure if you want it now or willing to risk waiting for the next serving while devouring your food and hope it is back out on the line by the time you have finished.

Behind you is another pick little kid who has maybe one thing on his dish and all he wants is that last serving that you are staring down. Nothing would make his day more to have that because he doesn’t like anything else. The serving weapon is drawn. You have loaded it up. You see the poor look in that kid’s eyes. You are a grown ass man or woman and with a simple look back at this child, your eyes tell the kid “SUCK IT” and pour the last bit of food on your plate. It’s like the basketball court; when the big kids are playing, you either wait your turn or play with them. On this court of bountiful food, there will never be a kid beating me. Don’t worry little buddy, one day you will be able to look back from this lesson learned and pass it down to the next poor generation of kids battling it out for the last serving on a buffet.

Once you have sat down, you now are in marvel of the mound of food in front of you. Why in the world would you ever think about putting this much food on a plate? Because you can. With that answer, you smile and dig in. When I say dig in, I mean flip the on switch on the industrial power vacuum that your mouth has become. Optimus prime wishes he could transform into such a powerful food annihilating machine. You may be the leader of the autobots, but you aint got shit on Americans gorging on a buffet. Soon enough, you reach the bottom of the plate and just like a great song on your iPhone, you hit repeat before it changes to another song. This process repeats until food starts leaking out of your head like grass out of a chia pet.

You are just looking for the fork lift to take you back to the car. Really, you are so food drunk, you need a designated driver. If you came with a group of friends, (which if you go to a buffet by yourself, you are truly a fat ass with possibly a serious problem), you all look like the walking dead trying to get back to the car. Who the hell turned the sun on!?!?!? Why can’t a just roll over into a fat comma in the restaurant? That’s the next step. If I see that, this country will have reached the point of fatness which we will never be able to get back from. Everyone is now back in the car, and there is that 30 second pause where no one says a word, the car isn’t started, and then finally the silence is broken by moaning and groaning. It’s not because of the fullness, those sounds were released during the fat waddle back to the car. No, it’s because finally someone cut a solid 5 second fart that gets the car started and the windows rolled down. Hours later, you have no idea why you did that to your body. It’s like that moment after an all-night party and you utter during your hangover, “I’m never drinking again.” That same type phrase either gets uttered out loud or at least sits in the front of your thoughts until the next day. You couch now is left with a crater from your now 15 pound heavier body and you now have completed your experience at the American buffet. It’s just a rush that we as Americans will never get enough of. And you know what, I love it. If you enjoy the experience of a buffet, then we can most certainly be friends.

Next post will be dominated by the weekend playoff games. As far as my picks, I’ll take Green Bay, Baltimore, New England, and the Niners in an upset (Do work Crabtree).