Category Archives: Misc.

Cold weather needs to take an indefinite vacation

I’ve just spent about 2 weeks in the greater northwest for work. While I was there, the temperature never broke 40 degrees. I also saw the sun for a combined 40 minutes. I lived most of my life in the south and I’ve always said that for the week of Christmas, I would like it to be cold. Little snow, just something like that. Then go back to being around mid-50s during the day, maybe low 40s at night until spring. Spending 2 weeks up north has all but confirmed to me why cold weather should not be around for longer than my 7 day request.

1. Lets start with the obvious, you have to wear layers of clothes, only to be takin off when you get inside. Walking around like Ralphies’ brother from a Christmas story is not fun.
2. You have to take them off because whoever operates the heat in the building has it set to July temps.
3. Until all cars have a remote start, you have to put all those clothes on to run out and start your car to warm up. Otherwise, you can freeze for the first few minutes of your ride.
4. As if having my box on wheels turn into a freezer on wheels wasn’t bad enough, you probably can’t see anything because the windows are iced over. So break out a scraper and scrape away.
5. Black ice is super dangerous.
6. If your lucky enough for it not to be overcast that day, daylight saving times allows you a max of two hours of sunlight.
7. When it rains, it’s almost as if you can feel yourself turning into a popsicle while outside.
8. There is a reason people get fatter as it gets colder.
9. Women think it’s alright to not shave their legs as often since they always have long pants on. I’m sorry, it’s not funny to show me your leg stubble while I talk to you. It’s gross. Keep that to yourself.
10. When it’s cold outside, everything is dead outside. Makes it look even more depressing and miserable than it already is.
11. The flu. I mean do I really have to explain myself?
12. Baseball in the cold is the worst. At least when I play golf in the cold there is beer to help.
13. You are destined to burn your tongue drinking something hot to recover the feeling in your face again.
14. Football starts to end, then with out warning, it’s gone.
15. If you live on the coast when it’s cold, it’s as if Mother Nature is taunting you.
16. Snow is great for about 1 hr. After that, it sucks. You end up just getting wet and effectively expedite the process of being numb from head to toe.
17. When it’s cold, that’s all anyone flippin’ talks about. YES I KNOW IT’S COLD. I CAN’T FEEL MY EARS OR FINGERS JUST LIKE YOU.
18. People who like the cold are weird. “I don’t see how you can’t like it outside.” “Because I don’t say shit like it got UP to 35 today. Or how you can even think that 30s is shorts weather.”
19. Just by the time you are comfortable inside, it’s time to go back into the cold for some unexplainable reason.
20. YOU ARE ALWAYS COLD! No matter how hard you try, you are cold.

Spring, you can’t get here quick enough!

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Men, we have a serious problem…

I’m pissed off. I saw something the other day that has pushed me to the edge. It is something I thought I could escape being deployed. But no, it has followed me out here half way across the world. I don’t know how this is even cool or why, as a guy, you would do this. I just don’t understand when things got this bad. If we don’t do something about this, we as men, may never recover. Clearly, I can only be talking about one thing.

Skinny Jeans (cue the dramatic DUN DUN DUNAAAA!!)

Seriously, this is bad. I was walking to the bathroom and saw a man rocking jeans tight enough to keep all oxygen from entering his lower body. Did this start as some sort of lost bet?

“Hey bro if you lose, you have to put on women’s jeans. Annnnnd, you have to find the smallest pair you can fit into.” Few days later, the losing party buys the jeans and gets ready to be embarrassed. He takes about 15 min to jump around and somehow squeeze into them. Finally, he poses for the boys. Silence engulfs the room. Then the first idiot opens his mouth.

“Dude, you look really good in those.” The bros all nod and subtly say “Ya.” The man in the jeans is starting to buy into this notion that some how he could look good in denim leggings.

“You guys think I should wear these out?” It could have been stopped right here! But nobody objects, and now, he is free to rock the male camel toe for all to see. DAMN IT! What’s worse is his girlfriend could have been the second person to stop all of this. She could have just said, “Take my jeans off, you like a clown.” But noooooooo, she went ahead and choose the opposite route. “Oh baby, that’s a great new look for you. I love the fact you are willing to hide your manliness in public in a desperate attempt to look nice for me. I’m not going to sleep with you because by the time we get those off, I’ll just be tired. But I still love you and the new look!” How can those be even be comfortable? Why would I want the jeans to hug every square inch of my legs? It just drives me crazy. When putting pants on, this should not be you expression after you struggle to get them on:

You get that expression because you lost weight and fit into smaller clothes that quit fitting you after they opened a Chiptole, Dairy Queen, and Chick-fil-A across your street. Not because you have to kick, scream, twist, shout, and pray that a pair of jeans (THAT YOU BOUGHT WITH A CLEAR AND PRESUMABLY SOBER MIND, TRIED ON ALREADY, KNEW THEY FIT YOU LIKE YOUR OWN SKIN IS CHOKING YOU, AND STILL THROW 100 BUCKS AT IT) fit. Yes, I am very upset. Then comes the practicality of the jeans. You might as well not have any pockets because nothing can fit in there. And is it even possible to bend to over and tie your shoes? Not a chance in hell. You know why this works for women? They carry purses and wear shoes that don’t have to be tied. I carry a wallet and a cell phone. If I can’t fit them in jean pockets, I have to carry them by hand. Are we seeing where this is going? It would be one thing if just a few rando bros did this. But it has swept the nation, and it really creates a bigger problem than just a fashion trend.

Here is another question for the world. Have you ever seen a healthy looking man in skinny jeans? Seriously? Every time I have ever seen a dude rockin’ these stupid things, I’m just can’t help but think “Eat a hamburger or something. Go do some lunges, squats; hell just go run for a start.” Do you have to sign up for an experimental surgery where you donate all of your testosterone to science so you can buy a pair of these bad boys? Here is where things get ugly…er. How many more women fashion trends are going to cross over for men? I’m serious. Man-purses already exist, what’s next? The mress (man-dress) or the makirt (man-skirt)? Skinny jeans = great look for a woman (obviously there are some exceptions, for the love of god woman, do not wear your skinny jeans to CiCi’s and let that muffin top ooze out for all those poor little kids to see). There are plenty of looks for women that need to stay on a woman. But this is an issue that goes beyond the runway. Men are getting softer. Men are losing manhood. And this has ZERO to do with the strides women are taking (and making) in the world in becoming more successful.

To the women of the world, keep doing ya thing. I work with lots of great women and have no issues with them. They are great co-workers. There are plenty of them who are better in this career field than the men. Now back to the issue at hand. Men we have to draw the line. We have to look firmly in the mirror and say “What is seen on the runway, stays on the runway.” Hell even that wasn’t mainly even. Try “I’m gonna dress and act like a man damn it! I don’t care if Erin Andrews wants me to put these itty bitty jeans on and said she wouldn’t be seen next to me if I chose not to wear them.” I know what all you guys are thinking. “Oh you totally would for her (Honest answer, I’d think about it).” But, more importantly, men have plenty of looks that work better for them and it doesn’t compromise who we are. And, if it was Erin Andrews, I would hope she would respect me more for not popping a testicle putting trying to put on those jeans. If you can’t find a woman to appreciate you for being a man, then be a MAN, and move on.

Ok, I think I am off my soap box with that, at least for now. But be warned, if you are wearing these jeans and I catch you, you will hear about it from me. Don’t care if you across the street, or if I’m face-to-face with you; I will remind you that you are no longer a man. I hope all of you reading this can agree with me that something must be done to save all of mankind. Because there can only be one theory behind of all this that makes any sense, Crab People.

Announcement!! Announcement!!

“How you uh, how you comin’ on that novel you’re working on? Huh? Got a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice little story you’re working on there? Your big novel you’ve been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got an obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.”

-Stewie Griffin

So this post is nothing more than an announcement. Back in college I was working on a novel, until I forgot to back it up, and 100 pages of work was erased when my computer crashed last year. So, as of today, I’ve started writing another novel. The goal: Have it completed no later than 365 days from today. Just like the last story, it will be based on true events from my life. Events and places will be real, and the characters will be based on those who shared these experiences with me along the way (could be a mix of people for one character, could just be one person). I will still have posts on the blog while working on the novel. I was really enjoying the last time I started writing a novel and I am serious about getting this done (seen by this post).

Reflective Belts

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve updated the blog, but I’ve been doing some traveling out to my current deployed location. But now that I’m settled in, I decided to do something different. Instead of going on and on about reflective belts, I wrote a song. Before I reveal the lyrics, this picture say a lot about my view on reflective belts…

Now that we have cleared that up, here is the “release” of “Reflective belt” It is a re-make of Toby Keith’s Red Solo Cup. Feel free to play his song with this, or here is the best instrumental version I could find. So now that you know what to sing the words to, enjoy my take on reflective belts!

Now a reflective belt is the ultimate guide
To be seen while running, or marching in stride
And you, sir, will not be able to walk outside
If your glossy sash goes missin’

A reflective belt is cheap and disposable
And in 14 years, I’ll still be emotional
Cause I’ll have to wear them to be promotional
Damn thing has me steamin’

CHORUS
Reflective belt, I hope you melt
Why must we wear you, why must we wear you
I hate you reflective belt, I hope you melt
I guess I’ll wear you, I guess I’ll wear you

Now I really love how you’re seen from a far
But I really hate how annoying you are
Cuz to safely walk to the three-drink bar
You have to be seen by the brass

It’s clear that the ladies certainly aren’t smitten
Or crowds of young people running out and gettin’
these hot belts, whose rules were obviously written
by those who have to look through glass

CHORUS

Now I’ve seen you in white and I’ve seen you yellow
Big glowing belts look awful on this fellow
Not having to wear you makes us all mellow
We should just give you all away

Reflective belt, you’re more than just plastic
You’re more than frustrating you’re not fantastic
And believe me that I’m downright, fully sarcastic
when I look at you and say:

“Reflective belt, you’re not just a belt. (No, no, God no!)
“You’re my, you’re my (enemy?) enemy. (life long!)
“Thank you for being a pain in my side”

CHORUS x3